Vacation week. You'd think I have all the time in the world, but the days are passing quickly. I'm trying to get everything ready for Hoboken May 1st. Lots of loose ends to tie up & preplan. But I enjoy this kind of stuff. Creative activity.
Someone very close to me recently wrote: "Depression is such an overused word. It is a rancor, it is the scab you keep picking off, it is the trapdoor, the noose you walk into, it is the demon, it is your brain fried, it is your blood on fire, it is the never ending rabbit hole. It is full of the deepest darkness that is about to explode and shred my body to pieces. It shrivels me up like a dry spoiled piece of fruit".
It rips my heart out to know this person is in so much pain, and there's nothing I can say to help her feel better. I wish I could bear some of this burden for her.
I managed to finish my latest painting! It will be on exhibit at the Brennan Court House in Jersey City, along with 3 other works. The exhibit is being hung tomorrow afternoon, and will run thru May 2nd. The closing reception will be May 2nd, 5-7pm. The show is the Jersey City "Teacher as Artist: Artist as Teacher", displaying work of our public school art teachers/art therapists.
I must say this wk ends on a high note. All my students' silkscreens at school worked out which is a relief, we had a successful cupcake bake off Fri after school, and I tackled my painting today. I was going to go in a totally different direction with the painting, but wasn't feeling it. I think this is what was making me so frustrated about it. The painting is about me conquering the chronic lyme disease I've had for 15 yrs. Although I've had it this long, it wasn't diagnosed until a few yrs ago, and by this time, the damage to my body has been done. At my worst were a handful of years I walked thru in a coma...too fatigued & depressed to function, I barely remember them. Yet the fire that makes me who I am pushed me forward and i hung to a hope & belief that it had to get better. My sense of humor didn't hurt me as well. I started making fun of myself, telling my husband & co-workers that if I suddenly fell down, to just pick me up & set me walking again. This was because the lyme attacked my muscles, in which my legs would just collapse at times. I couldn't walk up or down stairs...it was painful & exhausting, and I had to give up many of the physical activities I've always done with ease. I've been getting better on the handfuls of pills I swallow every day. I'll probably be on them the rest of my life, but for the past 2 yrs, I've gotten my life back to a degree I'm happy with. Of course I test myself all the time, like joining a gym 2 months ago. Ha. Besides rolling my eyes at the Pauly-D types, I had to accept that my muscles are not going to let me build them up on gym equipment. Oh well. I like walking my dog on the dock with my husband better. So I've adjusted my life big time, but if it's one thing I found out about myself thru all of this, it's that I'm a positive thinker. I had to be, to get thru the hell that's been my life. I remember thinking at one point...that if I had to deal with this disease, I was going to fight. I was going to laugh. I was going to believe & I was going to have a positive attitude. And on days that I struggled, I was going to dream. So my painting is about all of this. I wanted to embody a more positive attitude than my original idea, and I feel good about where it's going. Below is my work in progress.